Playing the game like a player.

This post .. jeweled with bitterness is just the right way to head back into this game... its been a while since the thrill of blogging hit. i was out touring the world , falling in love and quickly out of it.

Life. son. Life. 

A word of advice, the courting and complicating of relationships lies only in the forays of heart wrenching, gut busting shitfest we call love. If you have found a partner that can keep their privates private and is only just dependable, close the deal like you would a smelly club loo door.

Yes the comparison and the rest to follow is going to be disturbingly referencing weird things you wish your cousin dint say at that horrendous family picnic you have to attend every five years. Where you are trying to remember who passed away and who is about to, did this one have a baby or that one come out of the closet. A lol is in order…Who are we kidding, an Indian relative coming out of the Godrej … phsaawww. But I digress.

Playing the game like a player. Look deep inside your soul, when did you put down the sticky torn mills and boons and toss your 50 shades of grey (before getting past the first page might I add) . and look at all these updates and pictures with good ol cynicism, you don’t remember ? let me remind you … The day your heart got pulled out of your butt, that’s when. For me personally, its happened so many times, you really should not take any advice. But if you are as self destructive and deriding of all things cute, pink and Asian.. read on brave one.

Certain rules of the game.

Be an asshole. TRUST ME ON THIS. Girls guys and my personal favorite the in-betweens. Being a body part that you can expect nothing but waste to come out of , works to your favour because the tiny good things you do , are looked at as well imagine this .. you are on the loo… nah too graphic. Be the one who does not reply , take your time, even if it means staring at your phone after you’ve typed that extremely long diatribe describing your love for fresh linens, Cecilia Ahern nest while ashtanging the fuck out of that Miles Davis track. Even then .. stare at it .. and hit send after about 40 to 1 hour of receiving message with equally gaging details nobody really belives. Disappear for a day or three.

This sets them up for disappointment and might mean they move on if they are one of those rare sensible people and want nonofya bullshit. But then again … they ll be extinct in about five minutes after you read this . so .. let the games begin.

Make them jump through hurdles. If they don’t show up on time … you wouldn't know .. cause you were not there on time to begin with. Text and laugh wildly the whole while you are there. Nahhh… be attentive and all that bollocks. But if you do get a message excuse yourself , laugh wildly head thrown back demonic gargle laugh et al. never make it seem like your life will be on hold at any point for the poor soul sitting in front of you. Make sure to excuse yourself .. you are after all not trying to get stabbed in the butt with the steak knife.

If you don’t like a comment , insult , attitude , behavior .. don’t hold on to that and bring it up 23 days later. I was going to say year .. but … common .

Be nice to the waiter and manager etc around you.. only cause.. well we want flambe not phlegmbay now do we.

Make sure to leave the table saying you are leaving to meet friends.. and you know what .. go meet friends. Surround yourself with the people who know you for the softy that you are. Get all the nice juice out of your system so you can later get the gross juice out of your …well…. you know.

Don’t do dinner and movies. Say you are .. then don’t .. go hitchhiking in Doodsagar. Go paintballing , go to a goddamned water park. Test this bitch. ( no gender) . and by bitch I mean your shag and yourself. Be vulnerable with this person , just for those few minutes when you think that giant bee was going to bite your eyeball or the other one while collecting honey at the bee collectors club.

Be an asshole. – go to bed early and wake up early , keep on keeping on at those Krav maga classes you blackmailed  outta your neighbor for free. Don’t stay up talking shit and texting shit till five in the morning .. you know you aren't saying anything worthy of saying. And it can wait till the next big adventure you have.  

If you smoke , smoke up , trip or  trip on your socks… don’t stop or alter the truth.. handle it .. and make sure the other knows about it.in short don’t switch to poached eggs from masala omelette just cause it likes it poached. DON’T. You know you don’t like that runny blubous mess.

Be an asshole – if its after two .. just don’t do. No decisions after 12 are good decisions. Nope.. nothing you can say ..will make me or your mother (who’d disapprove of any of this in the first place .. you godless freak.. pre marital sex you say !!!!!!)

About godless freaks, your beliefs are your own. And only yours.. if you decide to take up the Kabbalah and / or any other organized religion .. do it on your terms. Not because you get that much closer to hot wet happiness.

Be an asshole- continue touching , whacking , beating , etc etc your nethers as much as you used to. Its alone time .. its alone happy times.. and the pay off is tenfold. Don’t store that stuff up yo..don't do it. It ll make you have crazy eyes and act the fool.

Until next time … these are just few rules to the many to Playing the game .. like a goddamned player.

Of course if you aren't a chimp pulling flees out of your itchy bum .. you’d know this is all in warm hearted love to everyone … it keeps you alive .. before . during and after the lays.. not have you running around wondering  what to do with your half of the

Lovers before Shovers necklace and the kettle will still have the base plate along with your sanity.

Signing out ..